Van Helsing chronicles
by Tunamonkeys
Summary: A humerous crossover that is classic and needed to be made. Sure others have probably made my idea before, but not with wit and style as I am attempting to produce. I hope you enjoy as Van Helsing facing the beloved twilight family. Should be fun.
1. Van helsing prologue

Over the centuries the worlds been changing. Cellphones are popular over letters and it seems that all a girl wants to do in life is wear short shorts and marry a man names….Justin Beiber. True the world is rapidly changing, but there are some things that will never change.

Vampires and Werewolves.

All they want to do is kill and eat, nothing has ever stopped these monsters from their primal urges. Not even love girls so get the tears out now. Though I must admit over the past few years I have started to come across new breeds of vampires and werewolves. Vampires that are no longer repelled by garlic or by the sunlight itself. Supposedly in their new genes there is an enzyme called "Sterzlne", it absorbs the full light of the sun like a prism and converts sunlight into limitless energy. This explains why these new species of vampire can go weeks without human blood and also explains what gives their skin a sparkling appearance in the sun. As for these werewolves I've seen that heredity in wolves has given them the ability to connect with one another and work together. The only good thing is that because it's hereditary their changes won't take place till they reach at least seventeen. Or till their Alpha believes they are ready to change.

Unfortunately that doesn't stop the human, monster interactions. It's hard to resist once a monster puts you under their spell. See Vampires, once you look into their eyes, can control what a person does. Put their influences over you to make you think that you are special. They convince you that you are different, an asset to them, even that you are both in love. As for werewolves, they are a simple story. They attract you with their body, excreting a pheromone that attracts you to them. And sometimes, to prevent their heredity line from depleting or to capture their prey, werewolves will attempt to link themselves to their victim. A bond so that they can either dominate their victim or sense their fear as their prey dies. Truly both of the breeds are something to behold and stay far away from. Just the kind of people I handle in my job.

As I reentered the Vadican after visiting Germany, where I vanquished a particularly bitchy vampire, I intended to collapse. All I wanted to do was sit down, grab myself a beer, and convince my old buddy Friar Simon to make me one of his famous roast meat sandwiches. They are insanely delicious, but of course…that wasn't going to be my kinda day. Should of known better, I don't have that kinda luck.

Father Rosseti, the head of the organization that I work for, came to me the moment I stepped on holy ground. He greeted me with his normal warmth in a lovely French accent,

"God forgive me for ever letting a man like you ever join our society! If you make it to heaven then I'll gladly jump into the pits of hell so I wouldn't have to deal with you!"

See? Such a charmer. I ignored him with my own set of flair, by walking away abruptly towards the nearest Tavern. That is till the father called my name again, this time his voice was absent of venom. There was a hint of concern in his voice.

"There's a girl." Sue me for being a chivalrous pig, but when ladies were involved in these types of situations, a man has to act. Maybe it comes from Adam. Protecting Eve because she was part of him, keeping the rib that came from him to make her. Or maybe it's just me.

I took no time in jumping back onto holy ground and took the right stairs down into the caves where the secret society of friars against scary monsters association resided. SSFASMA! Well…that's what I call them anyway. I always came back too drunk or tired to read the actual name embedded on the walls.

"So tell me Fasha," I got a glare at that. Apparently the man hasn't seen Austin Powers, shocking. "What's the case?"

"She's a high school student," Rosseti said, throwing out a manila folder stamped with the associations crest. Personally I thought the crest should just be my face, I do most of the dirty work here. "She has been in contact with vampires and werewolves for over months now, and I fear she has sunken too far into their mitts. And they are beginning to attract too much attention, both human and monster. There have been murders." I twitched for a moment; it's hard to imagine cases like these. It may be impossible to extract the girl from the situation without killing her in the crossfire.

"Who contacted us?" I asked.

"Father Paul was confronted by the father, a man named Charlie. He says his daughter has been acting strange ever since coming in contact with a pair of boys". Damn. Family so concerned won't make it any easier, but then again I can use Charlie to my benefit.

"Name?"

"Her name is Bella Swan," Father Rosseti said sternly. "She lives in the Town of Forks, Washington. I'll have an airplane ticket for you for the soonest flight. Be ready." My body groaned at the thought and with one of my famous growls I plopped down on a chair, which suddenly collapsed. Next to the chair, I realized too late, was a sign. It said, "Warning this chair is being tested on with the rotting wood serum. Chair may be faulty." Yeah, no duh. Ahead of me Father Rosseti roared with laughter, a ringed hand clutching his shifting side. I thought about throwing the pieces of rotting chair at him, but I resisted.

"Remind me, why do I do this job?" Father didn't stop laughing, but snapped his fingers and a plate was laid down on a table next to the chair. On the plate were two meat sandwiches, the most juicy, steaming tasty looking things I've ever seen. I felt like a man who was staring at a hot pair of twins.

"Oh yeah, that's why." I got off the ground as a beer was placed beside the plate. Oh yay, the twins had a hot cousin. I took no time to dive into the first sinful sandwich and Father Rosseti smiled.

"Do you know why you do this job?" I looked up, a large chunk of roasted meat dangled on the edge of my lips. Before I could make a sarcastic comment he replied. "Because you are Van Helsing." I thought about that for a moment. There was that too.


	2. Chapter 1: Destination Silverware

For a man who goes on a plane at least once a week, you would think that I would be used to it by now. Instead when the stewardess is seating everybody she ends up coming across me. A pale faced man in all black clothes and a black leather trench coat. With eyes wide, a sleep mask on my forehead, and a barf bag clutched in my hands with a power rangers blanket draped over my arm. What can I say, I come prepared.

I got a row all to myself, probably for the sanity of the other passengers. Quickly before we took off I got to work. I closed the blinds to the window, piled pillows from the stewardess in the seat, and laid myself in the next two chairs; which says something when my feet hung off the edge. Before I closed my eyes to sleep the hours away I looked at the case file one more time, familiarizing myself with faces and names. Preparing myself for when I would arrive at Washington in the afternoon.

No matter how much Father Rosseti ranted about me, Father knew I was a good guy. How could I not be? I was raised by them. I cared about saving lives, especially children and women. Of course I also enjoy killing vicious monsters and reaping the few rewards that come with it. Maybe that's why they call me a, "Sinner." I call myself, "human." Though the first name seems to stick more. I thought this as I looked through the file at the people I was going to have to murder. They are monsters right now, but they were people once. That was one thing that comforted me as I started to fall asleep.

I was a man who rid the world of demons and monsters; a hero that saves people from their fate against death and destruction. Not that anybody notices or anything. Oh well, guess it comes with the job. Also airbag sickness…lucky me. Guess somebody has to be that guy; this just seems to be the short hand God dealt me. Talk about Gods amazing grace.

After settling my bitterness with God and a brief vomiting session, I placed the sleep mask over my eyes, and quickly fell asleep. I didn't wake up till I got to Forks, where my new living nightmare was about to begin.

Ever think something in your head and think that it's a real good idea? Then after you actually do it you want to beat yourself up saying to yourself, "what were you thinking?" Yeah, I had that moment; I think it's becoming a problem. When I arrived in Sporks it was still early during the day, before school got out. Since most of the interactions between Bella and her monsters were probably started at school, I decided to stop by the school to check it out. This…was my stupid moment of the day.

I've never pictured myself in these kinds of situations. In my mind I just see myself sitting on a bench on the school grounds, innocently surveying the student body for Bella. Other people, however, see something completely different. They see a five foot nine man with dark hair, scruffy facial hair, and pale skin. A stranger with a leather trench coat, big hat, and a revolver hidden within the coat. As I said…it wasn't my brightest moment.

One minute I'm sitting on a bench, contemplating going out to get an ice cream cone, the next minute I am being slammed against the hood of a cop car by a big man named Butch. Blue and red lights flashed in my eyes, creating a nifty purple haze. All I could hear was a chattering roar and the growling voice of the big man who arrested me. The man kept changing my name from skippy, to pal, to sicko. Physically those words were nothing, but how could I stand being psychologically hurt by this Neanderthal? If only he knew what demons I have faced and that in all honesty, I could have snapped his neck fifteen times in the past three minutes. The man continued to growl,

"You have the right to remain silent-"

"-But not the ability!" I interrupted with a smirk. A hand abruptly hit me upside the head; guess this guy doesn't like to play with others.

"Anything you say can be held against you-"

"-Like what I did to your mom last night." I chimed in cheerfully. The officer lost it, exactly according to my master plan. Well…almost.

In a rage the bulky six foot two officer grabbed me by the shoulders and literally tossed me across the hood of the cop car. Which with your hands cuffed behind your back; it really hurts. My arms pushed into my shoulder sockets and when I hit the ground on the other side of the car, I landed on my face. Before anyone could touch me I pulled my hands from behind my legs so I could see the handcuffs and have the ability to walk straight.

"Hey!" The gorilla officer Butch started to walk around the car towards me. "I'm not done with you boy!" I couldn't get away in time before a fist slammed into my nose so hard I saw black for a moment. For a moment I thought I would fall, but I regained my balance as blood started to drip from my nose. It was perfect bait for vampires, too bad that wasn't what I was trying to do.

"I'm looking for a man named Charlie." I said, tasting my snot blood; Talk about yummy.

"The only thing you're going to be looking at is the bottom of my boot!" Locals are so colorful I could just listen to their threats all day, but enough was enough. I am done playing games with these people. The man came towards me again. "Now you're going-" I snapped up, shoving my palm up into his face, breaking his nose. The man didn't have time to blink as I rammed my knee between his legs and Sparta kicked the man in the chest. He fell to the ground and I put my boot on his chest so he wouldn't move without me knowing. Taking a breath I looked out at my surroundings. I saw five other officers pointing their guns at me with wide eyes. I tried to smile,

"I, I just want to talk to Charlie Swan."

I found myself face to face with Charlie Swan, who was sitting on the porch of his home. A shotgun lay in his lap and a beer sat beside him. Charlie squinted and glared into my blackening eyes. He looked like a good man and maybe under different circumstances we might have become friends. At the moment, I just need to convince him that I'm not the enemy.

"So you asked for me?" Charlie frowned below his mustache, running a hand along his gun. "Why?"

"Father Paul sent for me," I responded, tears instantly swelling in my eyes. When I spoke my nose would move and sent pain shooting up into my skull. The bone wasn't broken, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. "I was sent to help you." My words surprised, almost startled Charlie and he glanced at his fellow officers unsteadily. You could tell he was thinking about what to do in his head, I just hoped that the decision didn't involve the shotgun. After a couple of long debating minutes Charlie sighed,

"Let him go, I'll take care of him. And you," he pointed at me. "Inside, we have some stuff to discuss." I had no objections there. As soon as the boys took the cuffs off me I ran inside with thankful, girly leaps.

The house seemed like an old bachelor pad, a house built for a man, not a family. Glancing about I found pictures of Charlie, a woman, and a young Bella. She was a pretty, awkward looking girl. A girl that wouldn't be missed at first except by the family; a perfect target for vampires.

Charlie put his gun on the kitchen table and pulled another beer from the fridge, tossing it to me. Following his lead we sat down in the living room, me on the couch and him on the armchair so we could face each other.

"So," he took a gulp of beer, rubbing his red eyes. "You know, stuff."

"Putting it mildly, yeah, except I know a lot more than you do." It was a little below the belt, but right now he had to know that I'm an asset to him. To show him I am NOT a dummy. "But for our sake let's just start simple. Tell me more about Bella's behavior." A swarm of grumbles and sighs expelled from Charlie in the space of five minutes before he spoke again.

"She's been spending less time at home; she's always with her boyfriend. They broke up once and she would wake up screaming every night. She started hanging out with a boy named Jacob, good family in my opinion. Now, she's back with Edward. She's over at their house right now. Bella will be home at eleven. I just…I just miss my little girl." I sat quietly listening as I gratefully sipped down my beer. The situation stew got thicker and spicier as I crawled further into the rabbit hole. I was dealing with an entire hive of vampires and no doubt a whole family of werewolves. In the early Civil War it took an army of men to take down two werewolves or even a single vampire. And all there is to offer is little old me. What's worse is that this vampire, Edward, had heavily hit Bella with his deepest spells. To ensure a prey becomes devoted the vampire will leave then invoke nightmares in the prey's sleep, to make the prey think that the only reason the nightmares exist is because the predator is absent. It's an easy trick to make the prey pine for the predator.

Silence took over the room as I thought. It wouldn't be wise to let Charlie know the situation entirely, but I couldn't just leave him in the dark. He is the only reason why I am not in jail right now. I cleared my throat,

"Well I'll check into a hotel in town and I'll keep you updated on what I'm discovering." But Charlie just shook his head.

"You're my responsibility now; I can't let you wonder around. Everyone will go all squirrely. Just stay here, you're welcome to the couch." It was my turn to be surprised, I never had somebody invite me into their home; granted it was so the townsfolk wouldn't freak out. Still, it was darn nice of him.

"Thanks…" I'm not the best with thanking; that was my best shot.

Charlie took the thanks with a nod and retreated upstairs for bed. It was still early in the day, but the whole fiasco in Sporks made me exhausted and hurt. I poked the couch with curiosity; it was as soft as pillows….or marshmallows. With a great sigh of relief I laid down and shut my eyes for a moment. In less than a minute I was fast asleep, out openly drooling so I wouldn't breathe through my nose.


End file.
